Paying rent in other’s minds

When you think you aren’t good enough

And when the world has beaten you low

There is something to remember

Something you should know

Someone in your past has tears 

For the chance to love you that they lost

Someone in your present

Wishes they had been stronger 

And regrets each night they feel their loss

Someone recalls your memory 

And a mistake is all they see

Someone trembles with the need to speak

Another looks into your eyes and curses you as an enemy

Someone smiles blithely to hide jealous rage

Someone else must wrestle their emotions into a cage

For each moment you feel alone

There is someone who wishes they could pick up the phone

And hear your voice on the other end

Each time you feel ugly

Someone is wishing to be you, my friend

Someone wishes you were in their bed

The lesson here that you should learn

Is no matter what your right to live has to be earned

If others give you lodging

Within their troubled minds

Smile sweetly

And recall

The fact that now you are mine

You may not be aware

Of the strength, the love, the peace you share

Or the way your temper ignites like a flare 

But when others think of you

You know

Leaving an impression

Is something natural for you

That’s why you take up space in everybody’s mind

Crossroads Reels

Legba, oh Legba

Come meet me

In the center of the crossroads

Close by the willow tree

Trade my soul and make a pact

Dance with me to seal the act
Devil, my Devil

Dance with me

Under the moonlight

By the sea

I have a trade I wish to make

I might as well have and eat my cake
Hecate, Hecate

Goddess of the way

Grant my desires

This I pray

Hear my plea

And answer quickly
DJinn, great DJinn,

Genie of the splitting way

I dance for you

This is what I say

Grant me a wish, just one I beg

The other two are yours

Debt that I don’t wish to pay
Bean Nighe, powerful Bean Nighe

I’ve come to match my wits to thee

Questions to ask, there can only be three

Respectful and watchful I must be

If I am to go free

Otherwise my soul no longer belongs to me
Crossroads creatures hiding in the dark

Singing sweetly like a lark

Voices sweet with sick intent

They will blow out your light in an instant

Beware the deals you think to make

There will be no escape

Make a deal; kiss to seal

Unfortunately for you 

Demons only make deals

When they know that they will win

Authors blurb: lots and lots of Supernatural binge watching influenced this one. Sorry. 😳

Withdrawal

Electricity jolts from your body to your brain

Any more of this won’t leave you sane

Food can no longer stay down

Is it you or the room spinning round

Does it matter? no it can’t

The sound of your breath is a screaming rant

The tile floor is cool against your flaming skin

Such tiny relief of the monumental pain you are in

Your body aches and shivers and burns

Everything hurts no matter how you turn

Worse is the pain your heart feels like an attack

Reaching out, begging for someone to reach back

Your body violently protests while you kneel

You sob as you beg for a kind word to heal

A little of the hurt inside and out

For someone to remind you what this is all about

Right now you just want to die

Because you just can’t remember why

It’s so important to get past this

Something as gentle as a familial kiss

On the brow pulsing with pain and sweat

A simple pat on the back

Or a text that says: you got this

But I am alone

As I atone

For my attempt to stop the pain

Now I know I have no one

Really is there much to gain

By making it through this tortured detox

By living through this hell

By trying to make myself better and well

I’ve come to the understanding my life is a living, lonely, hell
Authors blurb: withdrawal and detox are a bitch. I went cold turkey off of Cymbalta, my anti-depressant, when my doctor refused to listen to the fact that it was giving me a very strong suicidal drive. Side note- find another doctor. It’s a damn stupid thing to just stop. Damned stupid. 

Another note: don’t ever, ever, start Cymbalta. That stuff is dangerous and impossible to get off. It causes EXTREME withdrawals, paresthesia, paranoia, nausea, aches, really the list doesn’t stop and your doctor won’t tell you about how awful it is. Anyway- I will climb off my soapbox now. I was alone going through this. I had no idea what I was getting into, the nightmares, hallucinations, the paresthesia… It’s terrifying. I really just wanted to die. This lasted about two weeks at such a severe level. The paresthesia is still hanging around. Some people claim it never goes away. I needed a kind word, a cool wash rag, some supportive texts, anything. What I got was a long rant from my brother about how stupid I was and it was my own fault and get over it. He stopped by a few times to make sure I was alive. Never more than a minute or two. I don’t deny it was stupid but it would have been nice to have something kind to help me through. The night before I stopped it I was sitting in my bathroom with a knife trying to talk myself out of opening my arm up. 

 I sobbed for hours because I have never felt so alone. I slept on the bathroom floor most nights while going through the withdrawal. Breathing hurt. Existing hurt. I will say that I’ve made it through and I’m working my way down the other side of the hill. I stopped having the suicidal drive within the first week of stopping Cymbalta. Now I have monumental anger issues I have to relearn to deal with. 

If you know someone who is going through withdrawal or detox, alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, please please support them in small ways. This is a terrifying ordeal and more pain than you can imagine.  And help them find a doctor worth his fudging paycheck. 

Mary Redd Is Dead

Mary had a little lamb
Whose heart was black as coal
It crept into her room one night

And ate her fucking soul

See the lamb was not a lamb

And safe her cross did not keep her

From the evil that is a man

Or from the twisted laughter

Now bouncing in her head

Mary lost her innocence

The wolf lost nothing that night in her bed

Mary has been frightened ever since

Her heart so ravaged and raw

Then one night she took a stand

She loaded her shotgun and leveled her shaking hand

At the shadow displayed against her wall

As she blew out the wolves’ brain

Mary felt nothing at all

And now she puts on her red dress

Each night Mary loads her gun

And as she walks the bloody streets 

She sets those wolves on the run

Mary learned the hardest lesson yet

Don’t trust a lamb; A wolf is all you’ll get

But she now vows no little lamb 

will ever have to suffer

Like she did

That long ago night she relives in her head
Authors blurb: innocence is the easiest thing to lose because it’s the only thing evil people want to take. Living afterwards can turn you into a demon or a broken angel. As a lover of all urban fantasy (really, kick ass women with a dark past and penchant for sexy men? Yes please) I’ve had this mock up of Mary had a little lamb and Red riding hood knocking around in my head for awhile now. I Hope it twists your insides a little at the same time it makes you angry. 

Allowed To Be Me

Feeling happy, feeling free

I am who I always wanted to be

I am figuring me out

I am working it out

And loving, loving, loving, me

I do not know how it could be

That for so long I took the wrong route

And look at how it all turned about

Sometimes I still make mistakes

Sometimes it causes a little heartbreak

I found new friends and lost some old

Recovered some old and left behind some new

But I know whose hands I can reach for and hold

I am learning new skills and taking a step back

Learning how to give and get back

I am not who I was and not yet who I will be

Just wait, watch, you will see

I am finally fully freely allowed to be me

Angry Retort

Forget your stupid face

Forget your nasty name

Who am I that you thought to tame?

I am a tempest

I am a storm

I am the furious one you scorned

Foolish girl you thought he cared?

Foolish little boy with your egotistical airs!

You thought you could break me

Baby you couldn’t take me

I was strong before you came

I will be strong again

I don’t need you

I don’t want you

I was too much for you to handle

So enjoy your flings

Your little playthings

I’m running wild

You couldn’t keep up with me

Because you are still just a child

Authors blurb: ever had a break up that went south real quick? He said, she said, she’s crazy, he’s douche?

Beast Explained

Beast feels cold, fear, and heat

But not the same as you and me

My Beast is lithe, strong, and whole

Primal instincts meshed within my soul

My Beast is my saving grace

She came long ago in a dark place

She wrapped around a broken little girl

She saved a drowning kitten from the world

She was so unexpectedly kind

to curl around my damaged mind

She couldn’t protect me from what I saw

She was only a mindful presence after all

She was unable to stop the things I would hear

But she was always, always near

Goading, pushing, driving, and lending strength

She had no time for sadness or angst

She showed me hot coals deep inside

How to use anger, keep it snug at my side

She taught that weakness is something to hide

Always be able to back up your pride

I love my Beast for she is my other self

We came together when my psyche needed help

It started as nurturing and then became friend

Traveling the written worlds together so I could mend

Thank you to whatever gods are above

For sending a piece of my soul I could love
Authors blurb: I feel grateful for that dark and kickass side of me. The part that no one can hurt and no one can touch but me. It’s like having a tiger inside my skin. A secret weapon that no one knows about.

Bereft

Sing little firefly

Light up that dark night sky

I need your strength tonight

I can not see with my own sight

I’m lost without your beauty

My spirit cannot find me

I’m walking the bottom of the sea

Hair flowing along behind me

I hold my breath

My hand held by death

He does not want my soul

Not when it is less than whole

He wants my dreams, wishes, hopes

Bound in gold, glittering ropes

My choice to give; my choice to take

What kind of life does that make?

When I stall within the in between,

That frozen moment, unheard, unseen

I fear to fall right or left

Either way could leave my heart bereft
Authors blurb: stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wants your body. You want his heart. Is it worth going into knowing it can’t be what you want?

Better Footprints

One night I dreamed i walked along the beach; the breath of the waves keeping time with the memories of my life. I walked, watching my existence shimmer against the stars. As the memories finished and began to simply reflect my journey across the sands I turned to look back across the land from which I came. I saw my own footprints in the sand. Sometimes they wandered too close to the tide and sometimes they wavered from the direction I needed to go. Occasionally they skipped a step or sometimes seemed to lose their way. Now and then they were accompanied by other footprints that flowed beside mine for a time before continuing their own way. I saw that the footprints I left were not always where I wanted them to be. Sometimes they were deep and far apart as if running from my fears. Other times they were close together as if I lingered in my tears. I saw steps where I danced and steps where I leaped. Always moving forward. All along the sands of my time I saw footsteps that were mine. They never stopped even when dragging with exhaustion. They never disappeared because someone carried me. They never failed, because through my own strength, I never once failed me.

Authors blurb:

I’m not religious and the typical footprints always pissed me off to no end. So I rewrote it.

Birth Day

Twenty-seven years ago the heavens thundered joyously. Snow swirled from the skies. Time stood still as the universe stuttered in its ever changing reel. The waters roared and crashed. The wind couldn’t catch her breath. A demon kissed my right eye; an angel did the left. The world never knew what hit them, that lonely January night. When my changing hazel eyes opened to the light.

Authors blurb:

When you don’t have anyone to wish you happy birthday then by God you wish yourself one and remember how much more awesome the world became the day you entered it.