The Choice

Can there be a choice, when there is none?

Can your heart break if you aren’t sure you own one?

How can I feel so alone in this marriage, as if I have no one?

I wed far too young.

I pushed too hard, my dreams too far flung.

I do not love him, my soul’s desires are unsung.

I feel so caught, so trapped, by the need to run.

I need to disappear behind the sun.

My ability to pretend is done.

Whiskey dulls the bite of pain.

My tears are hidden by the rain.

I wash and wash but my heart continues bleeding this stain.

I want his arms around me…I want his words in my ear… The rules in place to protect us merely bind me in my fear. I know I mean something… but just what I am unclear. If he asked me to come with him, I could never stay here. How can I want him more than I have ever wanted before? I am old enough to know better, than to pretend I need him. But I am young enough to know better, than to pretend my wants should be ignored.

Authors blurb: I was in a marriage with a man who wanted nothing to do with me because I was over weight. He was cruel. Since the divorce I have lost sixty-five pounds and earned an orange belt in taekwondo. But there is nothing worse than knowing that someone won’t touch you and is disgusted by you. I was contemplating an affair during the writing of this. Don’t judge me too harshly, I had been four years without sex with my husband and by that point I was starved for any positive attention. The affair didn’t happen. But the pain and shame from that time still haunt me.

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