The Dark He Left You With

You stand beneath the scalding water

Feel it as your heart fails; no, it only falters

Imagine it washes the dark side of your soul away

The side you do not show the light of day

That dark little seed that was left behind

Invisible tendrils that choke your mind

Feel it force those thoughts to lurk

Making your mind into confusing murk

As night comes closer you start to panic

Keep yourself busy with energy that’s manic

But eventually the will to fight will fade

As you watch night swallow the rest of day

The dark becomes something strong and wild

Leaving behind no hint of your inner child

You are someone else you don’t know who

You just pray and pray she isn’t truly you

Will this fear, this anger, this hate

Ever find release and abate

Will you carry this invisible mark

Forever more upon your heart

If you had known how it would be

Would you have decided differently

Little fool to think you are so smart

But this is no little lark

This web caught you and held you fast-

And here’s a secret to make nightmares last-

Once caught you can never escape

Even had you seen the signs…

It would have been too late
Authors blurb: this is a two fold writing. The first is the pain of betrayal and heartache as explained below. What I don’t usually share is the fact that this is also about the frightening addictive nature of drugs. This guy I was seeing drugged me one night. It was terrifying going into it and afterwards but the shitty part was that being high felt good. In between the nightmares of before and after I never felt better. Never felt happier. Stronger. Healthier and more beautiful. I still struggle with this fight every day because when shit gets dark all I want is to have that feeling back. And it only happened ONCE. ONCE. And not even by my own choice.  That euphoric ecstatic feeling of perfection was better than sex. Better than your favorite drink. Better than anything. It is fake. It doesn’t last. Which is where the addiction comes in. And let me tell you, coming down is not fudging worth it. You gotta come down some time. And it’s all still there and it’s all still shit and it just seems that much worse after the lies. It’s all far uglier after the night of false heaven is over. 
if you have never had to experience someone using you, cheating on you, or abusing you, then you are a very lucky person. Nothing is worse than the dirty, used feeling a person can leave you with. This writing was about a guy who used and abused me. It took a long time to get to a point beyond the dirty feeling. I was taking anywhere from eight to twelve showers a day to try and keep the panic attacks at bay. To try and wash the dirty feelings away. Sometimes we think we love someone but really we are lonely. And we let people take advantage of us. Don’t fall into that trap.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s