Missing them

Hanging from my hip
Hiding in my shadow

Just when I think I’ve given them the slip

I see them pacing close and slow
For they are never truly gone

Though my happy heart does wish

For those days I’m in the sun

Feeling life’s happy kiss
I’m not evil for wishing to no longer hurt

For feeling sick at remembering this

I wasn’t ready till that day

But they had already fled away
I can’t see them; I just know

Others have their pink and blue day

I won’t think about tiny shoes and seeds to sow

I just want the memory to go away
They couldn’t feel the hesitant love

Behind the fear

The decorations or second hand baby stuff

The frightened lullabies I practiced, they didn’t hear

The little toes I never got to touch
They are gone and I’m still here

No one had any idea how hard that was to endure

How I wanted to stop

To talk

They existed for me

I couldn’t mention them

I still can’t

I never got to say hello

I never said goodbye
Hanging from hip

Hiding in my shadow
Shades of what could have been 

But only pretend memories

Dear gods don’t make me live with this

Just let it go away 

Authors blurb: I thought a long time about wether to post this one. Like it says I truly just long to forget. And I’m not evil for that. I had a miscarriage a few years ago. It was twins. I was young and scared and though I was married I knew I would be alone. The stress was too much. I spent many years hating myself because while pregnant I could only think how I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want this yet. The day I lost them I realized how much I wanted them. I wasn’t far along. It was still the first trimester. But it destroyed me. Years later it only deeply hurts when it catches me off guard but it still makes me a little sad quite often. I wonder what they would have been like… How it would have been. But I am happy where I am. And it took a lot of strength to get here. 

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Tomorrow’s Children

Running through the forest
Fleeing through the fields

Running through red riots

Feeling every fearful kill
Shifting through the shadows

Silent as the dead

Wander as a whisper

Reaching on the wind
Slither softly through the cities

Hide among the searing bright

Murder loudly in the shadows

Of the never ending night
The children of tomorrow

Cry before you as you live

They beg you, please, if only

A moment you can give
The earth is badly breaking

Under heavy angry greed

The green is ever shrinking

Under every thoughtless deed
We watch you and we wait

To see what you will do

How will you break our coming

In ways terrible and new
There is no other home

No place for us to go

If you destroy the one you own

With the seeds you right now sow
The legacy you won’t be leaving

The echoes we will never hear

The remains of a race gone nuclear

You think to leave to us so dear
The children of tomorrow near

With every dusk and dawn

Already polluted with suffering instilled

By your blatant refusal to heal
To save our world,

The human race,

The waters and the skies

How cold a comfort will diamonds be

As tomorrow’s children die

Authors blurb: it seems like we are so set on destroying the world around us in so many ways.. Emotionally as well as physically, then there is pollution, and wanton destruction…. What are we leaving for the future? Does anyone care anymore? Or is it all political bullshit. Or Climbing the corporate ladder. Or whatever your version of hurting the earth or life may be. I miss nature every moment I am inside. I’ve felt it heal me. Comfort me.  I feel it call to me. Do you? Do we understand what we are destroying? Or how we destroy ourselves and one another? This is not the legacy I want for my children tomorrow. Just really thinking about the world and karmic ideals a lot. Are humans incapable of planning, changing, strategizing?

of letting each other live in peace? IMG_0630

Freedom

Tension builds. It fills your back, your neck, your face. Hands clench around the wheel until the leather creaks and cracks. You feel it building deep inside-all of those primal emotions you have tried to hide. You feel the heated waves leak through your careful mask. There is a brief pull to look down and you are hurtling through the black night at 110 miles per hour. I have no guardian angel but even if I did he couldn’t catch me. Stars hide and the moon cries. Those boiling tensions roll up as your inner demons peer from between your lashes. What would they see if they looked into your eyes right now? You know they would feel fear. In that moment they step back, murmur a prayer, cross their heart. .. but in this moment, in this moment your windows disappear and the wind screams inside. A choked roar tears from your throat. A throttled, boxed, hidden secret that you feel from your toes to the star kissed gossamer wings unfurling from your shoulders. You laugh and you scream And you laugh some more. This is freedom. Free to be angry, free to be sad, free to be purely insanely mad. Rage- passion- hurt -destroyed- forgotten- besotten- all of it matters so much and so… not. In this moment you are free to be. For Once, I wish and I wish to be.
Authors blurb: this is the night my life changed forever. The night I left my husband, my self esteem issues, my worthlessness,  my hate, my need, my unrequited love from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood.. It was all gone as I broke the invisible barrier holding me back: myself.  And on that empty highway  as i cried and screamed and cursed I learned I wanted to LIVE. 

Vulnerable 

Don’t look into my eyes

Because you just might see

A deeper side of me.

All you visualize

 

When you look at my face

Is a cheerful smile

Carefully fixed

Into place.

 

Don’t look into my eyes,

I am warning you.

You might find my heart

Enshrouded in ice.

 

Do you see the slashes

From a lovers thorough knife?

Do you see the pain,

How I hurt from the gashes?

 

Don’t look into my eyes

Because you just might see,

A gentle, more vulnerable

Side to me.
Authors blurb: i wrote this in high school. I was on my own for the first time and lonely and wanting to open up but scared to. 

Sometimes

Sometimes 

Sometimes we see things that aren’t meant to be seen.

Sometimes things aren’t always as they seem.

Sometimes we need someone to call our own,

Especially when we’re alone.

Sometimes people just can’t understand,

Why things get out of hand.

Sometimes life just isn’t fair,

Especially when people just don’t care.

And sometimes it’s hard to say,

Why things have to be this way.

Sometimes it’s all you can do to get by,

Especially when dreams continue to die.

Sometimes it’s nice to sit in the rain.

Even to just relieve the pain.

And when we’ve had a really bad day,

Sometimes we just need to get away.

We never know what’s wrong with out pain.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
And sometimes when people get hurt, 

Even the strongest ones may need comfort.

 

 

 

Illegitimi non carborundum – Never let the bastards wear you down.

Salem

I stand within the Flames; they cannot touch me.

Their long white tongues only tickle my bare arms;

Trickle like water along the skin of my calves.

They swim before my eyes, beckoning enticingly.

The Song of Gabriel is in my mind.

My peasants dress is smooth a cool.

These ropes that bind me turn to soft gray ashes

Sifting softly down my long white fingers.

The tall wooden stake is strong—I gently lay my hand upon it

And it gives with a deafening crack,

Throwing to the heavens a dazzling display of fire sparks.

As the Flames lovingly enfold me

Their brilliance is that of the Lord.

I pity the fools who put me here as a witch,

 

For I go as a Martyr to God.

Remembered

The gentle drip of the rain
Blends easily with the tish tish of

The grass. The wind is gentle today

And merely gives my cheek the brush

Of a kiss before she is gone again.

The chime hung from the roof mutely clangs

The world is so quiet. . .

The windows are all shut

I silently sit in my Lovers misty arms

A ghost figure who comes with the rain.

The moon sheds tiny tears which gather on the leaves.

Hate

I hate Hate.

And betrayal of any kind.

Feeling alone in the world.

Feeling left behind.

I hate having lost

When I haven’t yet begun.

I hate knowing I have to let go,

To love him with all of my heart.

And knowing all the time it is going,

That it will not be returning.

I hate being right,

When the outcome is wrong.

I hate you who think you are better.

I hate when they treat me less.

I hate the loneliness I feel.

As I wait for him to call.

And knowing that he won’t.

I hate anxiety and frustration.

Feeling as if I can’t breathe…

Knowing that in the end,

It’s a losing battle I lead.

Cold Heart

You know that cold you feel
When your body is no longer real

When your fingers are hard and stiff

And it is so troublesome to sift

Through the thoughts plunging wild in your head

And your vision become blurry with tears

That streak and then freeze on your face

Your skin burns; it is on fire

Your head aches and your lungs hurt

You can’t move

You’re so numb

And you’re growing frost flowers on your cheek

When you breathe

And you wish…

…If only

 

…you could speak…

The curse of the sea green eyes

Ever changing as the sea
A piece of wild ocean bequeathed to me

When her demons saw what they had done

They had to have one last bit of fun

Whispers of waves just beyond hearing

The lilt of sea shanties so daring

The beauty of eyes showing soul shining bright

Cursed to be alone at night

Reaching across the slick covers

Fingers searching for a lover

Not sure who she wishes was there

But coming awake to find her fingertips bare

Angels or Demons, who can tell them apart

Neither has what we would call a heart

Watching from shadows, from corners and nooks

Watching as sea green eyes devoured book after book

Dreaming of freedom and beauty and strength

Fighting day in and day out without thanks

Her heart whispers lullabies of a second set of eyes

But she found that all the stories were lies

The curse of the sea green eyes

To believe in all of those beautiful lies

The perfect example of strength and sweetness 

tempered by tough times and yet still reaches

Too independent too strong and outspoken

What it took to survive now others see as broken

I’m not broken, I’m not lost

I’m beautiful because of my flaws

I will not change the beauty I am. 

I fought too hard to be me 

I fought for my right to live and live free

To discover who I am supposed to be

The girl cursed with eyes green like the sea

If I am too strong too brave 

If you cannot see how my soul does crave

To be held close with a whispered breath

Lips against my ear saying, “tonight,

You don’t have to have strength,

Tonight you don’t have to be brave. 

Tonight I am what your soul craves”

Then these sea green eyes are not for you

The curse shall carry me forward to the men who do
Authors blurb: so the dating world has sucked ass lately. I keep hearing the same thing: you are just too independent. I need someone who needs me. I don’t want a woman who would kick my ass. Well newsflash: I’m delicate fucking flower. Dammit. Well I have to say I’m tired of hearing I’m not needy enough. Really guys. Get it together out there.