Missing them

Hanging from my hip
Hiding in my shadow

Just when I think I’ve given them the slip

I see them pacing close and slow
For they are never truly gone

Though my happy heart does wish

For those days I’m in the sun

Feeling life’s happy kiss
I’m not evil for wishing to no longer hurt

For feeling sick at remembering this

I wasn’t ready till that day

But they had already fled away
I can’t see them; I just know

Others have their pink and blue day

I won’t think about tiny shoes and seeds to sow

I just want the memory to go away
They couldn’t feel the hesitant love

Behind the fear

The decorations or second hand baby stuff

The frightened lullabies I practiced, they didn’t hear

The little toes I never got to touch
They are gone and I’m still here

No one had any idea how hard that was to endure

How I wanted to stop

To talk

They existed for me

I couldn’t mention them

I still can’t

I never got to say hello

I never said goodbye
Hanging from hip

Hiding in my shadow
Shades of what could have been 

But only pretend memories

Dear gods don’t make me live with this

Just let it go away 

Authors blurb: I thought a long time about wether to post this one. Like it says I truly just long to forget. And I’m not evil for that. I had a miscarriage a few years ago. It was twins. I was young and scared and though I was married I knew I would be alone. The stress was too much. I spent many years hating myself because while pregnant I could only think how I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want this yet. The day I lost them I realized how much I wanted them. I wasn’t far along. It was still the first trimester. But it destroyed me. Years later it only deeply hurts when it catches me off guard but it still makes me a little sad quite often. I wonder what they would have been like… How it would have been. But I am happy where I am. And it took a lot of strength to get here. 

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Vulnerable 

Don’t look into my eyes

Because you just might see

A deeper side of me.

All you visualize

 

When you look at my face

Is a cheerful smile

Carefully fixed

Into place.

 

Don’t look into my eyes,

I am warning you.

You might find my heart

Enshrouded in ice.

 

Do you see the slashes

From a lovers thorough knife?

Do you see the pain,

How I hurt from the gashes?

 

Don’t look into my eyes

Because you just might see,

A gentle, more vulnerable

Side to me.
Authors blurb: i wrote this in high school. I was on my own for the first time and lonely and wanting to open up but scared to. 

Sometimes

Sometimes 

Sometimes we see things that aren’t meant to be seen.

Sometimes things aren’t always as they seem.

Sometimes we need someone to call our own,

Especially when we’re alone.

Sometimes people just can’t understand,

Why things get out of hand.

Sometimes life just isn’t fair,

Especially when people just don’t care.

And sometimes it’s hard to say,

Why things have to be this way.

Sometimes it’s all you can do to get by,

Especially when dreams continue to die.

Sometimes it’s nice to sit in the rain.

Even to just relieve the pain.

And when we’ve had a really bad day,

Sometimes we just need to get away.

We never know what’s wrong with out pain.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
And sometimes when people get hurt, 

Even the strongest ones may need comfort.

 

 

 

Illegitimi non carborundum – Never let the bastards wear you down.

Remembered

The gentle drip of the rain
Blends easily with the tish tish of

The grass. The wind is gentle today

And merely gives my cheek the brush

Of a kiss before she is gone again.

The chime hung from the roof mutely clangs

The world is so quiet. . .

The windows are all shut

I silently sit in my Lovers misty arms

A ghost figure who comes with the rain.

The moon sheds tiny tears which gather on the leaves.

Rat race 

A star falls

And the Heavens cry

Time Crawls

Its destination for another world to die

 

We waste our time

With foolish pursuits

We laugh; We cry; We die

So many trillions of identical tin men

 

We build our cities of sin

Running a race we will never win

 

We have so little time

Why cannot humanity see

Within this little rhyme

A much bigger scheme?

 

Hate

I hate Hate.

And betrayal of any kind.

Feeling alone in the world.

Feeling left behind.

I hate having lost

When I haven’t yet begun.

I hate knowing I have to let go,

To love him with all of my heart.

And knowing all the time it is going,

That it will not be returning.

I hate being right,

When the outcome is wrong.

I hate you who think you are better.

I hate when they treat me less.

I hate the loneliness I feel.

As I wait for him to call.

And knowing that he won’t.

I hate anxiety and frustration.

Feeling as if I can’t breathe…

Knowing that in the end,

It’s a losing battle I lead.

Goddess of the sky

I feel the teardrops falling from the sky. They gently graze my lips, a sweetly tender kiss before they drop. The thunderheads, they violently boil, I feel they mirror the sickness in my heart. The thunder clashes, unleashing the screams I will not let past the terror in my throat. The light is harsh and reveals that which mine own eyes hide from. The wind tears the earth apart and throws it back together again. It is my hate unchecked. I twist my fingers and hurricanes tail down; their dance of destruction is beautiful. I slam my fists into the ground and watch the earth split wide. Waves of ocean swallow up the land… 

I blink back my tears and hold my head high. Your taunts cannot reach me. In my world, I am Goddess of the sky.

Cydney’s Story

In the beginning when the air was new, the mountains fresh and the sky a brilliant hue we of this age have never seen, Mother earth gave birth to a beautiful son.

He had dark hair the color of fresh loam and skin like new mint leaves and white wings akin to clouds. He was a son of the Earth and Sky in every way and his mother loved him the most of all her sons and daughters as did everyone who met him. He grew to be strong and handsome.

Soon, Brother Wind became jealous of the baby brother, and desired to lay a curse on him. He sent crows and ravens to pluck the feathers from his wings, and in the process they scarred his face horribly. Satisfied that his work was finished, for who would now want this ugly, scarred, brother of the earth now? Brother Wind ran back to his cave in the mountains and hid.

When Mother Earth found her bleeding and beaten young son she wept and the sky wept, the ocean swelled and keened and the sun hid his face. They all came together and in a rage they cursed the Brother Wind, causing him to be forever on the run, for if they ever caught him he would die a thousand deaths.

Brother Wind went into hiding, beginning a run that would last until the end of time. Then they all cried as if the beloved son were dead.

Father Time, keeper of the nether realms heard their keening and admonished them, “The boy is not dead, for this should you not rejoice?” But they only sobbed all the harder and pointed to the scars and the skeleton wings of the boy laying curled under their gaze, broken and hurt. Father Time shook his head sadly. “Son you have learned the lesson it takes many lifetimes to learn, often life is not easy or fair, and it always leaves scars behind. Now for the second lesson, there is life after the death of naivety.”

Father time then made a hard decision; he gave the sad son a golden watch. “This shall help you in the task that your life shall now be devoted to. Having had such a hard lesson, and bearing the scars, I think you can be compassionate and kind enough to help others.” The son did not think this at all but kept this counsel to himself, knowing how wise Father Time was and having no other options for himself but disgraced death.

“Son you shall escort the dead and dying on their last journey to Peace.” The Son found this to be an unfair task as he could never imagine himself to be at peace with the world again.
Rather than reject his task he bowed his head and agreed. 
Mother Earth made a cloak and gave it to her son to cover the horrible scars, a cloak all the colors of the earth. Rich browns and greens with subtle yellows and blues. Brother Sun provided a weapon to protect himself with and so that nothing could bar his way. Sister Sea bestowedwhat little peace and healing she could on his on his soul​ and body. 

 Before leaving him Father Time made a solemn promise to the Son, that one day he would find a companion who understood his soul and didn’t see his scars, only his beauty. A wonderful soul mate who would understand his pain and help to assuage it. And when he did, the clock would cease to tick, he would lay down his scythe and take her up from death, and together they would dance through time and beyond to love and happiness.

The ceasing of the clock would be heralded by 3 doves, warned Father Time, and the son must always be on the lookout, with an open heart and mind. As his last parting words to the battered soul of the Broken Son, Father Time said, “Three things to remember, Time heals all things. This too shall pass. And it is ok to be broken.” And bearing this advice the Broken Son did his duties and brought peace to infinite numbers, helping to soothe and ease their transition. And one day, in his darkest moments of self doubt, the son was visited by three doves, just as he heard the watch cease to tick…

Authors blurb: this was written and illustrated for a dear friend who had been through some terrible things in her life. I took her story, her tattoos and her (then fiancé) husbands grim reaper tattoos, I twisted them together to make a fantasy story. I gave it to them as a wedding gift. 

Cold Heart

You know that cold you feel
When your body is no longer real

When your fingers are hard and stiff

And it is so troublesome to sift

Through the thoughts plunging wild in your head

And your vision become blurry with tears

That streak and then freeze on your face

Your skin burns; it is on fire

Your head aches and your lungs hurt

You can’t move

You’re so numb

And you’re growing frost flowers on your cheek

When you breathe

And you wish…

…If only

 

…you could speak…

Which is which

I have an angel on each side

In each I have taken pride

I never saw one as evil

I never saw one as good

Each has helped me into chaos

Each has fucked me up good

Neither has left me standing alone

But both have caused my heart to become stone 

At my side are angels

Which do I listen to, pray tell?

When my world is shades of gray

In an atmosphere of black

It is honesty I lack

Not from my lips

Which only know truth

But from the world uncouth

Which is which

My angel he is cruel

And treats me as a fool

My angel he is shy

And his every word a lie

But neither leaves me be