Freedom

Tension builds. It fills your back, your neck, your face. Hands clench around the wheel until the leather creaks and cracks. You feel it building deep inside-all of those primal emotions you have tried to hide. You feel the heated waves leak through your careful mask. There is a brief pull to look down and you are hurtling through the black night at 110 miles per hour. I have no guardian angel but even if I did he couldn’t catch me. Stars hide and the moon cries. Those boiling tensions roll up as your inner demons peer from between your lashes. What would they see if they looked into your eyes right now? You know they would feel fear. In that moment they step back, murmur a prayer, cross their heart. .. but in this moment, in this moment your windows disappear and the wind screams inside. A choked roar tears from your throat. A throttled, boxed, hidden secret that you feel from your toes to the star kissed gossamer wings unfurling from your shoulders. You laugh and you scream And you laugh some more. This is freedom. Free to be angry, free to be sad, free to be purely insanely mad. Rage- passion- hurt -destroyed- forgotten- besotten- all of it matters so much and so… not. In this moment you are free to be. For Once, I wish and I wish to be.
Authors blurb: this is the night my life changed forever. The night I left my husband, my self esteem issues, my worthlessness,  my hate, my need, my unrequited love from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood.. It was all gone as I broke the invisible barrier holding me back: myself.  And on that empty highway  as i cried and screamed and cursed I learned I wanted to LIVE. 

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Beast Explained

Beast feels cold, fear, and heat

But not the same as you and me

My Beast is lithe, strong, and whole

Primal instincts meshed within my soul

My Beast is my saving grace

She came long ago in a dark place

She wrapped around a broken little girl

She saved a drowning kitten from the world

She was so unexpectedly kind

to curl around my damaged mind

She couldn’t protect me from what I saw

She was only a mindful presence after all

She was unable to stop the things I would hear

But she was always, always near

Goading, pushing, driving, and lending strength

She had no time for sadness or angst

She showed me hot coals deep inside

How to use anger, keep it snug at my side

She taught that weakness is something to hide

Always be able to back up your pride

I love my Beast for she is my other self

We came together when my psyche needed help

It started as nurturing and then became friend

Traveling the written worlds together so I could mend

Thank you to whatever gods are above

For sending a piece of my soul I could love
Authors blurb: I feel grateful for that dark and kickass side of me. The part that no one can hurt and no one can touch but me. It’s like having a tiger inside my skin. A secret weapon that no one knows about.

Blue Dawn

I want to run away. To feel the pavement pound beneath my shoes. I need the ache in my chest as I breathe deep of chill air. I need the blood to accelerate and rush through my veins. My heart to pump and shiver and pound in time with the heat inside. It will be early morn. In the time of the blue dawn, that time when the land stands still in the moment when night is not quite gone. The shadows and the light are the same substance and depth. The air is murky with secrets and the birds silent. The only sound is the distant roar of dawn on my heels with night forging ahead while sucking the air behind. I will not pause to think or feel afraid. I will be my Beast finally. We will not be seperate entities but together just the same. Our heart will burst free and our lungs fill just as fastly. Our muscles elongate and pull with sharp, hard movements. Our steps echoing forward into the night and back to the dawn. My teeth will show in a feral grin. The breath of possibilities quiver against my skin. I don’t know where I am going but I am on my way. I want to run away. If I can be fast enough, if I can be brave enough, this time I won’t miss my Blue Dawn.

Authors blurb: this is about taking those moments that come so rare and not missing them. When I was a child out in the BFE  of Oklahoma I would escape and watch the summer dawns. Some mornings would be my elusive blue dawn, a moment before the sun came up, when it was quiet, murky, and the world was awash in a dim blue light that was pure magic.

Bad Signs

Born under a bad sign, no chance for the good to align. Without bad luck I would have no luck at all. Filling my pockets; a dead shimmer calls. Fallen stars, one and all. Knocked from the sky by Cupid’s damned arrow. You have no Ken of what its like to carry my stars about. Knowing the potential that I live without. My Angel got lost on his way to me, and ended up on Bourbon Street. Now I have a demon on each shoulder and at my knee. They whisper and whisper and whisper to me. The devil avoids me and God can’t have me and I sing a whiskey lullaby to lull myself to dream. My dream a scene frozen in time, of dancing with angels under a predawn sky. Of whipping winds and warm spring rain. Of gods voice before my mark of Cain. Before I lay my soul to sleep; never more her desires to keep. Before I become two different girls an innocent; a whore; a mirror image with tempest rage in store. I sing a whiskey lullaby to hush my cry… to silence her sobs inside. Who is left? Who am I? I held her close until we meshed and now the pieces fit afresh but edges cut and there are jagged tears and now I have a new set of fears. I don’t remember which one I was. Or who I am. No longer do I remember the words to the lullaby… just that a shot of whiskey helps stop the cries. Am I human or am I beast? Was there ever a different set of heartbeats within me? Sing of whiskey, sing that you miss me, just sing so I can hear you through the mists. What happened to my true love and his kiss? How could he find another princess? God is gone, the devils dead all that’s left is me inside my head. Born under a bad sign under the wrong side of the moon. If bad luck doesn’t end me, loneliness will soon.

Authors blurb: some of us were born with bad luck. Without it we would have no luck at all.

The Dark He Left You With

You stand beneath the scalding water

Feel it as your heart fails; no, it only falters

Imagine it washes the dark side of your soul away

The side you do not show the light of day

That dark little seed that was left behind

Invisible tendrils that choke your mind

Feel it force those thoughts to lurk

Making your mind into confusing murk

As night comes closer you start to panic

Keep yourself busy with energy that’s manic

But eventually the will to fight will fade

As you watch night swallow the rest of day

The dark becomes something strong and wild

Leaving behind no hint of your inner child

You are someone else you don’t know who

You just pray and pray she isn’t truly you

Will this fear, this anger, this hate

Ever find release and abate

Will you carry this invisible mark

Forever more upon your heart

If you had known how it would be

Would you have decided differently

Little fool to think you are so smart

But this is no little lark

This web caught you and held you fast-

And here’s a secret to make nightmares last-

Once caught you can never escape

Even had you seen the signs…

It would have been too late
Authors blurb: this is a two fold writing. The first is the pain of betrayal and heartache as explained below. What I don’t usually share is the fact that this is also about the frightening addictive nature of drugs. This guy I was seeing drugged me one night. It was terrifying going into it and afterwards but the shitty part was that being high felt good. In between the nightmares of before and after I never felt better. Never felt happier. Stronger. Healthier and more beautiful. I still struggle with this fight every day because when shit gets dark all I want is to have that feeling back. And it only happened ONCE. ONCE. And not even by my own choice.  That euphoric ecstatic feeling of perfection was better than sex. Better than your favorite drink. Better than anything. It is fake. It doesn’t last. Which is where the addiction comes in. And let me tell you, coming down is not fudging worth it. You gotta come down some time. And it’s all still there and it’s all still shit and it just seems that much worse after the lies. It’s all far uglier after the night of false heaven is over. 
if you have never had to experience someone using you, cheating on you, or abusing you, then you are a very lucky person. Nothing is worse than the dirty, used feeling a person can leave you with. This writing was about a guy who used and abused me. It took a long time to get to a point beyond the dirty feeling. I was taking anywhere from eight to twelve showers a day to try and keep the panic attacks at bay. To try and wash the dirty feelings away. Sometimes we think we love someone but really we are lonely. And we let people take advantage of us. Don’t fall into that trap.

Not a love story

Sweat is dewing on our skin

The air is wearing thin

His lips taste sweet

The room is full of heat

His hands are strong

It’s been so long

I shiver with anticipation

This is a delicious sin

I am impatient

But he is potent

He is taking his time

His smile is torture on mine

His very touch is hot

I don’t remember why I fought

Against this from the start

This isn’t an affair of the heart

Instead it is carnal need

A dark part of me I must feed

The motion of his hips against mine

All I can do is gasp and sigh

I need more

I want more

I have been lonely so long

I forgot how to be a woman

I forgot that primal song

It forges anew

Here with me and you

It will never be enough

Authors blurb: sexual desire is so strong and intense. It’s a feeling that can ruin you. A feeling that can buoy you. Never be ashamed of your sexuality. Embrace it. Accept it. Feed it. 😏

Fork in the Road

A fresh new start

A pounding heart

A frightening chance arises

With the break of dawn

You dont have long

To pick between the prizes

The offer is on the table

To take if you are able

Now is your chance to shine

A birthday wish

Sealed with a kiss

Can it make you mine?

A fork in the road

Beware the seed you sow

This only happens once

Left or right

Dont use sight

Trust your heart this once

Take that step

Take a deep breath

And run

And you know which one

Your heart cant live without

Authors blurb: there are magical moments where time stands still and you have a moment, just a breath to make a choice. Those moments leave you reeling and frightened and exhilarated. They can leave you in the same old rut or sling you into a new adventure.

Hawk

The wind is lashing around the earth today. I feel it brings me tastes and scents from exotic places, imaginary worlds. I taste a hint of hot billowing sands scorching from the sun and abrading stones until they are nothing more than sand as well. I feel a rumor of cool, icy mountains against my cheek. A salty sting catches my eye as murmurs of sea shanties vibrate below my hearing. Possibly even a very little stardust tickles my palm invitingly. I watch the Hawk as it struggles, beating its wings furiously against the gale. I can see the anger in its glinting eye. I understand the frustrated cry. She will win. She won’t give up. The Hawk knows nothing of masters and failures. Failure is death. As for masters, she knows only her wings to be master. Master of the sky, master of the clouds, master of the world as she knows it. She braces her wings and fights harder. Harder. Harder. Her body will give out before her heart. Suddenly, exhausted, she misses a beat and drops into a vertiginous fall before her wings open and the wind lifts her up, high, higher than she might have reached on her own. She lets the wind buoy her; no longer does she fight it. Instead she is playing. Playing with the wind. Her cries of frustration and anger welling into happiness, giddiness. The lashing winds no longer sting her eyes and dry her sobbing throat. Instead they feel gentle, guiding. Pushing her higher and farther. The wind is no longer harsh but as protective and strong as a lover. She flees from my sight. I am left, envious, and bitter; the star dust swept away from my skin, the smell of scorching sands gone. To leap from the cliff…would the wind buoy me? Would I finally find my wings and soar across the only heavens I know? Would I play with the wind or would I fight it when fighting is all I know.

Authors blurb: we hurt so badly and it hangs on for so long. It’s not easy to let it go.

Mask

We all wear a mask, some are pretty, some are bold. Others blend into the walls, they hide within the crowd. Our masks are sometimes acceptable, we pretend we can disarm them. But the hateful truth, is, its the other way around. We class them up with pearls, we dress them up with mud. But in the end a mask is more truth than the people underneath. But if you are very careful, if you work very hard, you can place a mask upon your face that is only what you approve of. Underneath is your true mask hiding your true face. What others love to see from me is my playful kitten mask. Innocence and temper, a little fire and some sass. I play this role and keep my mask up, acting out my part. All this time another mask is covering my heart.This mask is cruel and cunning. With a playful little streak. Her pointed ears disarm; her reputation is full of charm. But the heart of this mask is hate. She curls close around it, fanning the flames with her long tail. Her pelt hides the angst from those outside my head. My Fox mask has demon eyes, from driving me against the wishes of fate. She has protected me against the fall, against the prey of weakness, always using hate. She has been my constant companion, my inner counterweight. Without her carefully banking the fire I would long ago have fallen to fate. But my Fox is getting tired, the kitten is shadow thin. The fire keeps rising higher to illuminate what’s trapped within. My masks are crumbling to pieces. My naked face peers out. No longer can I hide within the anger that came from without. The fires are beyond control my soul is bared and burning. Without my masks I cannot leave this furnace I will hide here until the last. No one gets to see my face I hid it long ago. Show me yours I will show you mine but please let’s take it slow.

Authors blurb: so many faces. The face you show the world. The face you show your loved ones. The face you hide from in the mirror at night when you are all alone. Rarely do people share those faces. Usually it ends up badly. Or at least it has for me.