Missing them

Hanging from my hip
Hiding in my shadow

Just when I think I’ve given them the slip

I see them pacing close and slow
For they are never truly gone

Though my happy heart does wish

For those days I’m in the sun

Feeling life’s happy kiss
I’m not evil for wishing to no longer hurt

For feeling sick at remembering this

I wasn’t ready till that day

But they had already fled away
I can’t see them; I just know

Others have their pink and blue day

I won’t think about tiny shoes and seeds to sow

I just want the memory to go away
They couldn’t feel the hesitant love

Behind the fear

The decorations or second hand baby stuff

The frightened lullabies I practiced, they didn’t hear

The little toes I never got to touch
They are gone and I’m still here

No one had any idea how hard that was to endure

How I wanted to stop

To talk

They existed for me

I couldn’t mention them

I still can’t

I never got to say hello

I never said goodbye
Hanging from hip

Hiding in my shadow
Shades of what could have been 

But only pretend memories

Dear gods don’t make me live with this

Just let it go away 

Authors blurb: I thought a long time about wether to post this one. Like it says I truly just long to forget. And I’m not evil for that. I had a miscarriage a few years ago. It was twins. I was young and scared and though I was married I knew I would be alone. The stress was too much. I spent many years hating myself because while pregnant I could only think how I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want this yet. The day I lost them I realized how much I wanted them. I wasn’t far along. It was still the first trimester. But it destroyed me. Years later it only deeply hurts when it catches me off guard but it still makes me a little sad quite often. I wonder what they would have been like… How it would have been. But I am happy where I am. And it took a lot of strength to get here. 


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